Update Summer 2011

Well, shoot. I wish I had posted every day for the last year or two. So much has happened. So much has changed.

Last January, I spoke for our student week of worship at my university. My topic was the 4 stages of faith. First, there is elation when you first begin to believe. The second step is rule-following; you've found a great new system and you want to play by the rules! The third is questioning, when the infatuation wears off. The fourth is mature faith, as you realize you cannot know all the answers, but you have chosen to believe a certain way for whatever intellectual reasons you have.

When I made my no-kissing vow, I was in Stage 2: Rules. I was tired of breaking my own heart and giving pieces of myself to boys who didn't stay part of my life. The whole system seemed so phony and irresponsible, so I opted out. I thought if I created this rule for myself it would help me be a better person. In some ways, it has. But it didn't take that kind of vow for me to grow in my faith. Most people are only in the rules stage temporarily. My promise (and afterward, my pride) has kept me locked into that part of my growth process, years later. I have moved through the questioning stage as well, but I can't let go of that one promise I made.
Much of the time, I wish I hadn't made the promise. I have been dating a wonderful man now for 2 years, and it's very difficult not to kiss him. It's honestly not physically difficult; I have trained my body that that is off-limits. It's emotionally difficult. When you are very close to someone, you want to share that kind of physical intimacy with them.

Even though sometimes I wish I hadn't made the promise, I don't regret it. It has helped me grow in many ways. I have had to answer many questions from skeptical and even judgmental people. I have had to question and analyze myself and my motives over and over again. My resolve has been strengthened.

I don't think it would be wrong on ANY level to kiss my boyfriend. We are in love and we want to marry each other someday (we're both graduating from college this year, so maybe someday soon!). But a promise is a promise, and so our lips have not locked. Sticking to a promise that I don't fully believe in anymore is difficult. Defending an action that no longer makes sense to me is hard. To say that this course of action is character-building would be an understatement.

Yes, I am still sticking with my promise. I have always firmly believed that a promise is a promise. My pride keeps me from giving in. Hundreds of people now know about my promise. Besides, why give up now? For those out there who exercise, when you're doing your last set of crunches or running your last half mile, do you just give up partway because it's difficult? No! There is a sense of pride, of needing to finish the race you have begun. No matter how hard it is, if you know you can do it, you will do everything in your power to accomplish the goal you set before yourself. I feel exactly like that. It's been 1,045 days since a boy's lips last touched mine (side note: that boy, along with several others I've kissed, are now married...and it feels weird knowing that I was the last girl they kissed before meeting their current wives). I only need to hold on a bit longer, and then I can be proud of myself for keeping my vow, no matter how ridiculous it may seem.